Almost as emo as this bunny.

I've been in quite a funk lately.   I've really been lacking in motivation, to do just about anything.  I feel like I'm at a crossroad right now, and someone is hiding the map from me!   I have so many decisions to make, and I don't want to make them.  So, I'm avoiding.   I find myself just sitting, staring into space like a crazy person, in fact, I think my husband is convinced I'm nuts.   My parents, and others, have been asking what's wrong with me a lot lately.  And to tell the truth, I don't really know.   I'm not sure if it's just stress, or what, but these past few weeks I've just been out of it.   

My parents have offered me another position at their company.  This time, I'd be doing sales, from home, on my own terms.  They've offered me salary plus commission, a cell phone, and insurance.   They said I could still pursue Arbonne, and do both.   Obviously, it's a lot more money than bartending.... so why am I not jumping at the opportunity!?   I met with my dad two weeks ago, and I've yet to give him an answer.  Something is holding me back, and I'm not even sure what that is.  I know.... how about you all just tell me what to do!!!  Then, if all goes wrong, I can blame you, instead of myself!   Kidding...sort of.

To add another thing to the equation, today I auditioned for a local dinner theater.   It was my first audition in almost 10 years, and I blew it.   I was so nervous!   I told myself to be confident, and was convinced that this would prove something...to myself, to others.  But there I stood, shaking!   I got through my monologue okay, but then as I started the singing portion of my audition, I began my song in the wrong key.   I recovered a few bars in, but I only had 16 bars of time in the first place.    "Okay," the casting director said after my song, "thanks for coming in, that's all we need to see."  In other words "don't call us, we won't call you."   I've been mad at myself all day.  I choked under the pressure, and I'm really disappointed.  Everyone's been telling me all day that I shouldn't be upset, that it was my first audition, that it was probably not as bad as I thought.... but haven't you ever known that you could have done something so much better!?   That's how I feel, like I could of nailed it, but I let my fear win.  

Anyway, with the audition.... and everything else going on, I'm just feeling really lost right now.   It's so strange because just a few months back, I felt like I pretty much had everything in my life figured out, and now...here I am confused again.  And it's not just about my career path... it's kind of everything.   These past few weeks I've felt kind of zombie like.   That's my natural reaction.... when I start to feel overwhelmed, I shut down.   I'm not sure why I'm even so overwhelmed!  

I think the truth is, that I'm scared of change.   I'm scared that at this point in my life, the decisions I make will be final, and I'll settle into the rest of my life, into who I am, and who I will be.  And I'm not ready yet to be defined.   Does that even make sense?   

Oh well, give me an hour and I'll feel fine.  My mood changes on an hourly basis these days!  Maybe I'm just going crazy?  Hmm.... don't answer that!

And we'll run for our lives..

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear 

Whisper words of wisdom

The best advice that I could ever give to anyone.... or myself:

Let it be.

A Total Eclipse of the Heart

I just got back from the midnight show of "Eclipse."  Yes, I have had my tickets for months, yes I wore a twilight t-shirt, and yes.... I'm a big nerd.    It. Was. Amazing.   Definitely the best movie of the series so far.   The direction was fabulous, and they included all of my favorite parts from the movies.   I want to go tomorrow and see it again.  Go see it, if you're a Twihard fan like me, you won't be disappointed!

The house that built me

Growing up, we moved around a lot.   My dad got transferred to Michigan by his job, then started his own company, which allowed us to move back home to Kentucky.  Then my mom began her career in real estate, which contributed a lot to my parent's "moving bug."     By the time I was 18, I had lived in 7 different homes, not counting the few months we lived with my grandparents while we searched for a house.   I went to 9 different schools: 5 elementary schools, 3 middle schools, and 1 high school.   I never really minded it though, I got used to making new friends, and I always adapted fine to the new places.   But once my brother and I got in high school, my parents promised to stay put in one place, and they did.  We stayed in our house on Worthington Lane for 7 years.   Seven years might not sounds like a long time to you, but it was for me.   And when I think about home, and growing up, I think about that house.   We moved there when I was 11, and stayed until I was 18.   So many of my best memories are inside that home, in that yard, in that neighborhood.    It's where my friends would come to hang out in the basement, where I had my first kiss, where I climbed in my closet to talk on the phone late at night so my dad couldn't hear, where I learned to drive, where I got ready for prom, and where I cried over all of the boys who broke my heart.   I still drive past the house and try to peek inside.   The curtains that hung in my room are still there.  The pine trees that my dad planted in the back yard are taller than the house now, and my brother's basketball goal stands faithfully in the driveway.   I'd love to see inside, to see what remains of my home.  It might seem silly to be so sentimental about a house, especially one that we didn't live in long.  I guess it's not really about the house, it's about the memories.    It's where I come from.  

"If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave.  Won't take nothing but a memory, of the house that built me."

This song makes me cry every time.   I sure have become a softy in my old age!

My "Oh Crap" Moment

It feels so good to be clean!!!!!   This morning since I knew I was heading to my mom's pool, I just threw on my swim suit and put my hair in a pony tail.    Usually, I am more of a "lay by the pool" kinda gal, but today it was too stinkin hot to be anywhere but in the water.   It was 95 degrees here, so I was more than willing to jump right in today!    

After the pool I went straight to my dance studio.  It has been over a month since I've been to dance because I've been working way too much!  So I really had a nice time being back tonight, despite the fact that the air conditioning decided to break at the studio today.... yeah, I was drenched by the time I left.

So.... here's where the adventure begins.   After dance, I decided to go ahead and drop off some Arbonne products to a client of mine who lives nearby the studio.   Since I was just leaving the bag on her porch, I jumped out of my car and left it running while I ran the products to her door.   But when I went to get back in the car.... you guessed it, it was locked.   Not only did I lock myself out of my car, but the car was running!   I had no keys, no phone.  Oh crap.

I went back up to my clients house and knocked on her door.... of course, no answer.   

I then thought about the fact that my sunroof was cracked open.  So, I climbed on top of my SUV (oh what they neighbors must have though), and tried to wiggle my arm through my sunroof to unlock the door....wasn't happening.   Finally, I climbed down and started looking around for someone to ask for help.  It was already about 9:45, so I didn't want to wake anyone up, or freak them out.   I noticed that there was a house a few doors down with all the lights on, and I could see 2 men sitting on the couch, watching TV.   I went and knocked lightly.... no answer.   I was going to knock again, but as I was looking through the door I saw a bunch of really weird voodoo type wall hangings... "this is how people get murdered," I thought.   I backed away slowly from their home.

As I was walking back to my car, an older woman came out of her home to water her plants.  I explained my situation to her, and she very kindly went and got her cell phone for me so that I could call my husband.    She went back inside, letting me know that if there was anything else I needed, to just knock.   

So there I sat, in the middle of the night, leaning against my running car.  Thankfully I had left my ipod on inside the car, so at least I had some entertainment.  And of course, it was still ridiculously hot outside, so I continued to be disgusting.   We live about 20 minutes away from this client's house, so I knew I'd be standing there a while.

A few minutes later, one of the guys from the voodoo house came out, walking a dog.   "Hi," I said, as he passed by.  "Come on, Clark." He said, to the dog, avoiding eye contact with me.    I continued to wait.   About 5 minutes later, I saw the guy, and Clark, go back into the house.   Then suddenly, another man, came out of the house, and walked right towards me, with his hands on his hips.   "Hello!"  I said, when he got about 10 ft away.  No response.   He came closer, finally, he stopped about 5 feet from me.   

"Is there a reason you are out here, standing in the middle of our street?!"  He demanded, rather rudely. 

"Yes," I said apologetically, "I was dropping something off to a friend and I've locked my keys in my car, your neighbor was nice enough to let me call my husband, he should be here in a minute."

"How did you lock your keys in your car?"

"I'm not sure, I guess it just locked behind me when I got out somehow."

He eyed me suspiciously.  "Well, it's just awfully weird that you are standing out here."  

"Oh, well my husband should be here any minute."  It was just then that I began to smell the alcohol on his breath.   I wanted to say "thanks for asking if I'm okay, by the way!"  I didn't.

"Get a spare key!"  He mumbled as he went back to his house.

Rude. Rude. Rude.

I mean, come on, there I was, in yoga pants, a t-shirt, and pig-tails.... did I really look like a threat to the neighborhood!?   

Thank goodness for little old ladies who water their plants at 9:45 at night.   

.... I'm finally home in the air conditioning, no thanks to the 2 guys of Iola Drive!    

What happens in Vegas.....

My mom and I take knitting classes.... her idea... but actually it's a lot of fun.   She's actually done very well with it and has graduated to sweaters and all kinds of cool stuff.  Me?  Oh... I'm still stuck on a blanket that I've been working on for over a year now.  One of these days I'll finally get it done.

I haven't been to class in a while, and today at lunch my mom informed me that I really missed out by not being there this past week!    As all the ladies were sitting around knitting, they began to talk about their aging mothers and grandmothers, and the funny things that they do and say.   One of the women began to tell the following story:

Recently this woman, (let's call her Sandy), took her elderly, 80 something year old mother to Las Vegas for a family wedding.   As they were going through airport security, Sandy noticed a commotion going on over her mother's carry on bag.   They had pulled out a large tube of something and they were trying to explain to her mother that she could not carry it on the plane, since it was over the size limit.

Sandy walked over to ask what the problem was, and was mortified to find the security guard holding a huge tube of KY Jelly.  

"Oh my goodness!" Sandy exclaimed, "just throw it away!"

She hurried her mother along to get on the plane, though her mother was still unsure about why Sandy was so embarrassed.  Once on the plane, she finally asked her mom why in the world she had a huge tube of KY Jelly?

"Well," her mother replied, "I dip my earrings in it because it helps me put them in my ears easier."

"Okay," Sandy said "but why do you need such a huge tube of it?!"

"Well when I went to the pharmacy, I told them I needed a lubricant, and he asked me if I wanted the small or large tube.  I told him he better give me the big tube.... I'm headed to Vegas."

True story.  I bet the folks at that pharmacy will be telling that one for a long time.