Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Letters to you...

Dear Friend,

It's been quite a while since we've spoken, but I've been thinking of you a lot lately.   I found the letter you wrote me.  Remember the ones we wrote when we were 12?  "Do not open until 2001!!!!"   I kept mine, tucked away safely in a box, unopened until my 18th birthday.   By that time it had been almost 2 years since I'd seen you.   I read it and cried.   You wrote how we had gone shopping that day, how we bought new pink lipgloss, and how we'd be "BFF's" forever.   You wrote how maybe soon we'd be getting married, and how you'd be mad at me if you weren't my maid of honor!

I remember the day I first met you when we were 5 years old.   We were instant friends!  You were so vivacious and you taught me how to dream.    We just knew we would be famous someday! I heard "I'll be There" by Mariah Carey the other day and it made me laugh.  Don't you remember singing that in your back yard?   You told me that a record producer lived next door, so we sang loud, knowing that if he just heard us for a moment, he would sign us immediately!!   We had so much fun together, didn't we?   Sometimes I still think that you're the only person who ever really, totally got me.   We understood each other, though we were different in so many ways.

The last time you came to visit, we were 16, and you had changed.    Sure, we were both growing up, but there was something more.   You were hurting, that was clear, but you wouldn't let me in.   I could see the anger in your eyes, but even then, I knew it wasn't really me you were angry with.   But somehow, I also knew it was the end of us.   When you got back on that plane, my friend disappeared.   You quit returning my letters or my phone calls.   You quit caring, I guess.   I didn't.

I called around to see what you were up to over the next few years.  I heard you moved out, had some boyfriend, started smoking and lost a bunch of weight.   And then I heard you were pregnant.   I wanted to call you, to see if you were okay, to see if I could help.    And then I heard the news that changed everything for me..... that you had aborted your baby.   I cried for the person you had become, and for the unborn baby that I would never meet, and then.... I didn't want to call you anymore.

Years went by, and I thought about you from time to time.   I felt so much anger towards you, but also a deep sadness for where you had ended up.   I started dating, got engaged, and asked another friend to be my maid of honor.   I couldn't help but think that it should have been you.   You were supposed to be there, standing beside me on my wedding day.   I sent you an invitation, but you didn't show up.

Maybe you didn't get the emails I've sent?   Maybe the letters have gotten lost?   Or maybe, you just don't know what to say to me.  

I saw a picture of you the other day.  I hardly recognized the person staring back at me.   What happened to the little girl I once knew?   What happened to my best friend?   Is any part of her still in there?   I like to think that she is.   I like to imagine that through all of these years, you've thought of me too.   That you remember me, as I remember you.

You'll probably never read this letter to you, but I write anyway.   I guess I just want you to know that I still think about you.   I still smile when I hear Mariah Carey, when I sleep in my old Fiona Apple t-shirt, or when I see the "no fur" sticker that still hangs onto my old journal.

More than anything, I want you know that I believe in the person you once were.... and I believe in the person I hope you will be someday.    More than anything, I want you know that I still love you.   Because in my heart, you will always be my BFF.  


  1. i love this. it is really beautiful. i think we all have a person like this, i know i do! this really touched me. thank you for sharing ♥

  2. Oh Ashley... I've said it before, but hopefully one day she will reach back out to you. She doesn't know what she is missing in an amazing friend like you!

  3. this is properly a very lovely letter expressing the deep feellings of the writer. I liket it so much that I had remembered my little darling who had never gone away in my dreams. I could not forget those days in our childhood.Thanks a lot for your lovely letter. with those words you used ı lived once more the past that makes me crying because of being cheered up.

  4. This made me so very sad. It was beautifully written, but my heart hurts that she pushed you away when she needed you the most. When people pull away from us we can no longer be there for them and they also miss out on everything going on in our lives. It is very sad to look back on pictures when everything was sweet and innocent and think of the different paths we take. Do you have an mutual friends that know how she is doing? Facebook?

  5. I love it. It WAS so lovely, I had all these emotions while reading. Kinda sad, but sad in a beautiful way.

    Thanks for commenting on my last post. I decided not to email him. I'd rather comment oN your lovely blog than waste my time on him.


  6. Beautiful post girl...beautiful! Hope it all works out! xoxo

  7. This post made me so sad. How could someone not want to reach out to you? I just don't understand. I wish she knew that you didn't judge her and that you would welcome her friendship back with your arms completely open.

    Love ya, girlie. On a lighter note... GLEE tonight! Showtunespice. :)

  8. What a great post. I felt like this was something I could really relate to. I had a situation just like this, only it happened a few yrs ago instead of during my childhood. Hope things work out the way you want them to.

  9. As I read your words I was reliving my childhood friendship that just like yours it too grew apart through the years for different reasons, yet so it was so similar to yours.

    You both made me think about how she might of felt missing out on so many of those moments in my life that we as woman experience. But you also mentioned the hurt that I felt of seeing her change into a different person. I share that same feeling of lose with you.

    Beautifully written
    Much Luv,

    btw/ Ashley I just moved from On the Brink de la Locura over to http://thereforeiblog.com/ you are more than welcome to come and visit =)