Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Never is a Promise: (got a little emo at 3AM)

I love music.   I mean...really love music.  I could write a soundtrack to my life so easily, because throughout the years, there have always been songs that have defined every important moment in my life.

Every time I hear a great song, I remember exactly where I was when I first heard it, and exactly how I was feeling.  And it never fails to amaze me how quickly those emotions come flooding back to me, even when it's been years.  

Every time I hear Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle," I think of the first time I drove by myself when I got my license.   I rolled down the windows of my jeep, blasted the song, and I thought I was hot stuff! haha!

Today I was driving in my car and a song came on my ipod that I hadn't heard in a while.  It brought back so many memories.... and I began to cry!   Great music can always move me.

When I hear Fiona Apple's "Never is a Promise," it makes me think of my best friend of 11 years, Chelsea.  We met at the age of 5 and were truly kindred spirits.   We were exactly alike, we could even finish each others sentences.   Still to this day I don't think I've ever had a friend who quite understood me the way that she did.   We always swore that we'd be best friends forever.  We'd be the maids of honor in each others weddings, that we'd be there when we had babies.  Even when my family moved from Michigan back home to Kentucky, we stayed close.  We ran up horrible phone bills, wrote letters, and visited each other all of the time.   Unfortunately though, while I was growing up in a loving home, and having wonderful experiences, Chelsea's life was not so wonderful.   The last time I went to Michigan, I could see a dark side of her.  We were 15, awkward, and trying to find ourselves.  We saw Fiona Apple in concert together, and cried as she sang "Never is a Promise."   I was deeply moved by the song, but not like Chelsea.   Chelsea was going through so much in her life that I didn't know about at the time, and the music, the lyrics, the mood of the song...seemed to touch her to the very core.

The last time she visited me, she had changed.   She was no longer the light hearted person that I knew, I no longer could finish her sentences.   She was depressed, lonely, and broken.   She told me stories of guys, drugs, and crazy nights that seemed like something out of a movie to me.  She said it all with a smile on her face, to shock me, to convince me that she was having fun.  She tried to hide the cuts on her arms from me, conceal the bags under her eyes, act like everything was okay.  But I knew it wasn't.  I begged for her to let me help her, but she would simply look at me and say "you could never understand."  It always reminded me of a line in the song.

"you say you understand, you'll never understand."

And I knew she was right.  I would never understand the pain she was going through.  I had never experienced abuse like she had.    I was 15, and I desperately wanted her to be happy, but I didn't know how to help her.   I called her everyday, wrote to her, even called her parents to let them know that she needed help.   It was too late, she had already changed from the person I once knew.  About a year later she quit returning my calls, quit answering my letters, and quit being my best friend.  I know it wasn't because of me, she was just too sad.   

I sent her an invitation to my wedding when I got married, but got no response.  Part of me thought that she would be there.  Even the day of, I kept thinking that she would show up, unexpected, that we would be reunited.   She didn't.

The last time I saw her was about 5 years ago.   We went to Michigan to visit friends and I tracked her down.   We made small talk over coffee, and spoke only on the surface.   After about 30 minutes, she got a phone call from some man she was living with.  He was downtown and his tires had been slashed.   She left, promising she would call me tomorrow.   
She didn't.

And so, when I hear that song, I think of her, and I cry....
for the person she could have been.

On a less depressing note:  
Hope you all are having a great night!  If you haven't already, check out my
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Okay... I think I'll go turn on some "Genie in a Bottle!"  


  1. auuu, i guess u have similar experience like mine (: nice to know u..

  2. Ok, so I read the beginning of this post thinking "I love music too! Totally defines my life! Me too me too me too!" Then I got to the sad part.

    All I can say is that I fell too once, for years. I lost a lot of friends, I gave a lot up. I let the depression consume me, all the while pretending that everything was fine. I became a different person; I was very broken.

    Now? I'm closer to my 5 year old self in attitude than my 20 year old self. I can't pinpoint a moment when it happened, but at some point I did take my life back. Maybe your friend will one day too...

  3. Yeah, I started off just writing about music and got a little sidetracked. It's 3 AM. haha. But music totally defines me too!

    Glad to hear you took your life back, I'm hoping she will too. Every year I send her a letter. One of these years I'm hoping she'll respond.

  4. I'm glad to read in the comments that you haven't given up on your friend. What a sad story.

    I'm the same way with songs. Songs and smells can take me back. I remember the first time I heard Genie in a Bottle, too, oddly enough. But, I was driving a mini van!

  5. I went to 3 different schools growing up and had a BFF at each. We all said the same things and the story ends the same. How sad! I feel for your friend....sounds like she was in a lot of pain. Hope your having a great day! xoxo

  6. I found my way back to your blog - love it! Music is definitely the soundtrack to life.

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